The Final Monday in the Final Month Caesar †
† July and August are named for Julius and Augustus Caesar respectively
- There was a federal raid on Dairy Queen in South Carolina as a response to complaints alleging that HUMAN MEAT was being sold to customers. This should be no surprise in our current cultural state of hyper-paranoia and conspiratorial madness. The conclusions of the investigation aren’t helpful. The agency responsible’s response was that there was “little to no chance” that human meat was being sold. Basically, the possibility that Dairy Queen served HUMAN MEAT can’t be completely ruled out! The one question that I want to know is: If they served human meat, did the quality of the product increase resulting in higher revenue? This type of paranoia is nothing new. Soylent Green is a movie that addressed this nefarious concept in the 1970s.
- Pervert extraordinaire and #metoo martyr Harvey Weinstein pleads not guilty on new charges this morning. He was also granted a continuance. By the time his legal team is finished tying the clerk of courts in knots by filing endless motions for discovery, continuances, and other legal malarkey, Harvy hopes we will all forget about this. Sorry, Harvey, that’s not going to happen as long as #metoo hashtags drive traffic to newspapercup.com. In the meantime, enjoy one of our other sites. Click here for cute dog pictures.
- The great state of Florida has brought us another gem of news. A 46-year-old man is charged with aggravated assault after pointing a machete at another man’s face for failing to flush their toilet. The real punchline comes from a quote from the attacker in which he stated: “$H|† happened.”
The Week is Here, The Hour is Now, and You are Alive:
Make it Count