News
- Tensions between Nuclear Powers Escalate Further. India and Pakistan have been on the verge of war since the British Empire invented them by drawing an arbitrary line on a map in an attempt to separate the Muslim and Hindu populations. It now appears that the daily dance battle at the border of the two nations may not suffice.
- Declining numbers in home sales are beginning to terrify investors. Is the concern legitimate, or is Wall Street suffering from PTSD after the 2008 housing crisis?
- The appearance of a rare Australian fish on the beaches of California has scholars and scientists alike baffled. Turning to crowdsourcing may have solved the mystery of the seven foot long sunfish’s unlikely journey.
Politics
- The Trump administration unveiled a new plan to lower drug prices. Polling indicates that Americans support governmental intervention in the matter. It appears that socialized medicine is agreeable our nation, just don’t call it Obamacare.
- The secret to the “Art of the Deal” seems to often lead to no deal at all, at least in the case of the President’s negotiations with “Rocket Man” in Vietnam yesterday.
- Democrats may spontaneously combust upon the creation of a new CPAC aimed at expanding gun rights for African-Americans.
Tech
- A swath of Microsoft employees furious over military partnership with the U.S. military get told “tough titty.” The government intends to use augmented reality technology known as HoloLens to optimize the ability of soldiers to “protect our freedom” (murder people). Microsoft has 749 million reasons to stay the course.
- Huawei’s 5g mobile technology is significantly expanding the Chinese manufacturer’s market share worldwide, terrifying the American government, Samsung, and Apple. In spite of Americas disapproval of European allies using Huawei’s tech, it’s rumored that competitor Apple’s 5g iPhone won’t be ready until 2020, making the decision of whether or not to use the Chinese product increasingly complex. Welcome to the first battle of the trade war.
Sports
- New data shows that the new NFL rules aimed at preserving the cranial health of players is working.
- Shocking News: Another rich old guy loves hookers….allegedly……Kraft pleads not guilty to multiple solicitation charges.
†FRIDAY FEATURE†
